Nothing tears through the tender pre-dawn hours like a stand-off with a rat.
But there I was.
And there it was.
With its fleshy tail and toothy overbite.
It whiskered around the fridge and looked up and winked at me before it scurried back to the safety of its hiding place in the crack beside the dishwasher.
I gasped for breath and picked up my heart from the floor. It was caked in hair and dust and felt slightly sticky, but was still beating at a furious pace.
Who do you call when you have a rat problem?
A local company named Terminix paid handsomely to appear at the top of my Google search so I obliged and booked a consultation.
Hours later in the mid-morning a Terminix man wearing cargo pants and a polo and driving a company Prius called to say he was promptly on the way. The troops have been summoned. The experts are en route.
“Mornin’ sir, what’s the situation?” the Terminix man said.
I blurted out my retelling of the frightful encounter and gestured with wide arms to show the size of the rodent.
“Well, sir, don’t you worry about it. I’ll take a look around and let you know what your options are.” He winked and smiled and went about his business.
I smiled, too, as the calming presence of hired expertise washed over me. My rodent foe stood no chance against the Mighty Man from Terminix.
He went about surveying the whole property, armed with his poker and a hand-held wheel like a modern-day knight.
He tapped the outside walls.
And took photos of the roof and the ceiling.
He stepped through the garden and made notes on his tablet about the back of the laundry where the washer emptied into the yard.
He checked the windows and the doors.
He inspected the fence and the holes dug underneath it.
He scanned the sliding doors, putting his nose close to the joints as if he too had whiskers.
His eyes darted across all the nooks and crannies outside the house from which unwelcome rodents could begin their insurrection.
He looked everywhere except in the kitchen behind the dishwasher.
Finally, he shared his diagnosis. He showed me the photos on his phone and the notes on his tablet.
Then he sighed deeply and said, “So here’s your problem, sir. You have squirrels.”
I stared back at him.
“Here’s where they’re coming in—,” he showed me some scuff marks on the ceiling underhang by the driveway. “We gotta get one of our guys out here to seal the whole place from the outside.”
He showed me the quote on his tablet for $2,100.
“This will sort it all out real quick,” he said.
“And the rat?” I replied.
“Oh, there’s a rat? Hmm.” He tapped a few buttons on his tablet before showing me another quote for $1,950. “This will sort out the rats, real quick.”
I looked at him.
He looked at me.
I looked at Mel.
He looked at Mel.
The room felt heavy under the weight of a great con.
Then he looked at Maala with a slimy smile and desperate eyes, and said, “Hey, little girl don’t you think your parents should sign this to get rid of the rats?”
I’ve heard people lament that good help is hard to find. And in times like these, it’s hard to disagree. But if you ever need help getting rid of a rat, there’s a very handy device on Amazon.
It’s $25.
And it’s good.
One might even say it does the job of the experts.