I’m running for president

It's time to rethink who we put forth as candidates.

The percentage of people who have what it takes to run for President is so small that it would barely register as a freckle on my ginger complexion. But have we ever stopped to consider that we’re thinking too narrowly about the talent pool? 

Sure, the big political types have their vast experience, entrenched relationships, and immeasurable power, but what if there is more to it? What if there are better, more deserving candidates who could pick this country up by the bootstraps and launch it into the stratosphere that Elon is probably trying to colonize?  

Maybe Kanye’s presidential bid inspired me or maybe I’m tired of how tired the current candidates look. Either way, here are my top five alternative candidates I’d like to see on the presidential ballot come November. 

1. Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook

I don’t even know this character’s name (leave it in the comments, LOL!) but with him as candidate you quite obviously get the female vote, along with a vast majority of men, too—Ryan’s eyes have a way of melting even the most manliness of hearts. 

You also get a leader who demonstrates unfettered patience and is willing to play the long game—crucial qualities for holding office and having a successful life in politics.

Plus, everyone likes being kissed in the rain. 

2. The NYC deli owner

Stern, straight-faced, to-the-point, yet incredibly accommodating, the New York deli owner offers a path to the American Dream by way of your stomach. With this person at the helm, it’s safe to assume that everyone’s needs will be met in under 7 minutes, no matter how unique or off-menu your requests are. 

Logistically, it’s a nightmare catering to 300+ million individual requests but any sovereign nation built on breakfast sandwiches, cold cut subs, and stale coffee gets a ‘Let’s give it a try!’ from me.

3. A medium-sized dog

An uncontroversial statement is that dogs are better than humans... 

*let’s give that statement some space* 

...so logically speaking, any dog is going to make for a better leader compared to any human—past, present, or in the future. 

But I can’t emphasize how critical the size of the dog is. 

Vote for a dog that’s too small and you get aggressive high-pitched yapping and the underlying fear that if you accidentally step on it, it will hold it against you forever. 

Vote for a dog too big and you’re getting general laziness and an inability to comprehend how big they actually are—which will lead to issues in the Oval Office. 

Outside of that, a dog affords the people two gorgeous benefits: first, they’re incredibly loyal so they’ll always have our best interests at heart. And second, everyone loves dogs so we’ll close the great partisan divide and maybe agree on something for once. 

Like science. 

4. A bowl of mac ‘n cheese 

You should never underestimate the power of consistency in a candidate. While the world of politics is full of snake-oil salesmen who shape-shift and bend their ideological views at the sight of a freshly-inked check from the Koch family, the stoic figures who stay true to their core values really shine. 

In that vein, a bowl of mac ‘n cheese always delivers—you can’t argue its reliability or its dependability.  

And most importantly, even when it’s bad—even when it’s so so so bad that you pray to a higher being for it all to be over—it’s still pretty great. And that’s always a platform worth running on.

5. My wife’s robot vacuum

I have a strange relationship with my wife’s robot vacuum. For the most part, I love it—it enjoys doing what I enjoy avoiding. And despite representing yet another irreversible step into middle-aged monotony, it makes my life better.  

But there inevitably comes a time—maybe 15 or 20 minutes into the vacuum’s march around the apartment—when its incessant buzzing starts to wear me down. And then there’s this thing where it’s designed to “ergo-organically and dynamically traverse any and all obstacles in its path” except when our robot tries to do that it just ends up dry humping a shoe for 25 minutes and I have to turn it off.

The point is when it’s doing what it said it would, it’s great, and it works and we love it and we quietly celebrate it. But once it starts being useless and annoying and disruptive and we want it to please, for the love of God, stop. It’s so great that we can just switch it off. 

Imagine that? 

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*chef’s kiss*

Allan