A day in the life of a conspiracy theory publicist
Don't believe what you read. Except for this. You should believe this... Or should you?
6:00am: Alarm goes off, or did it? Immediately check the phone, watch, wall clock, microwave, and wind chimes to confirm (you can never be too careful).
6:05am: Read through client emails and texts received overnight. Fresh fodder for my fireworks campaign which has really blown up recently (sorry).
6:30am: Yoga—but only the dog poses because dogs are pure and a client informed me that child, cat, mountain, and especially cow pose, are tools of suppression used by the radical liberal left to silence and censor free speech. Must be a breathing thing.
8:00am: Pick up an iced coffee before getting into the office. Is it just me or are the iced coffees getting colder these days? Might be something worth looking into.
8:45am: Early client call with the head of the Flat Earth society. Losing steam here but hoping the pandemic and economic shutdown and global civil rights movement and travel lockdown and presidential election and 2020 more broadly is distracting enough for people to forget about the earth’s curvature.
9:15am: Weekly stand-up meeting with the team except we’re not standing up, in fact, we’re all dialed in from secret locations and we submit our client updates via morse code, just in case they’re listening. Who’s they? Good question—we haven’t figured it out yet but we’re close.
10:00am: Screen the call from my moon landing client. Poor guy really needs to focus his efforts elsewhere. I should advise him to hitch his wagon—or is it an RV?— to the anti-vaxxer movement.
10:07am: Spend the hour on the phone with journalists from The Truther and Something’s Fishy Magazine. It’s always hard to understand these guys with the voice enhancers they use but I still manage to get a cover story secured.
11:30am: Meeting with a new client—COVID-19 deniers. Total superstars and very hot right now. Discuss smear campaign strategy for government mask mandate and suggest ideas for rallying cry, such as Boo-hoo, it’s just another flu!
1:00pm: Lunch with a client who’s writing a book on Epstein, specifically his suicide. Naturally, she asks me to taste her soup before she does.
2:30pm: Brainstorm ideas for a new theory we can use to replicate the Pizzagate buzz ahead of the upcoming presidential election. Is ‘Ramengate’ too racist? Or not racist enough?
3:15pm: Huge client win! The President retweeted our birds aren’t real tweets! Take a screenshot, print it, and find a spot on the wall with the dozens of other clients he has retweeted.
3:47pm: Update Deep State hates Mr. President press release template with new headline and send it to FoxNews. Here’s hoping it’s as successful as last week’s.
4:16pm: Send quarterly media coverage report to UFO client. Reminder to self—never pitch declassified government footage showing evidence of ACTUAL EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFEFORMS in the middle of a pandemic—no-one cares.
5:00pm: Finish work day by brainstorming new ideas for the 5G theory. It’s not easy as nearly every current problem known to man has been associated with 5G in some capacity. Maybe we attribute Kanye’s presidential bid to the effects of 5G?
5:45pm: Leave office and drive to dinner reservation. It’s only a 10 minute drive but I circle back through the surrounding towns to make sure I don’t have a tail. It adds an extra 75 minutes to the trip but you can never be too careful.
7:30pm: Dinner with David Icke. He only orders filtered water, served lukewarm at exactly 98.5 degrees Fahrenheit. We discuss his Lizard-people Illuminati theory which may be a tough sell for the mainstream media but I’m sure I can find an outlet with loose morals and looser journalistic standards. Breitbart, perhaps?
10:00pm: Receive a text from the COVID-19 deniers informing me they want out of their contract. Apparently, they don’t need a publicist.
10:30pm: Go to bed and fall asleep with my eyes open (you can never be too careful). Tomorrow is another day…
…Or is it?
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*chef’s kiss*
Allan