7 Games to play when there are no sports
Don't let a global pandemic get in the way of your sporting fix.
The global pandemic has wreaked havoc on the sports world and for many of us, it’s been three long months without a decent competitive outing. That doesn’t mean all hope is lost, though. The Pandemic Sports Association—PSA for short—just released its most recent guidelines for keeping the competitive fire alive in your quarantine home. Here are the official, PSA-approved, pandemic-tested sports and games that you can try today. Happy sporting!
Coin flipping
If you’ve resorted to this, I feel bad for you, but I challenge you to find a better game of chance! Pro tip: disinfect the coin before flipping.
Grape tossing
Is there anything more thrilling than launching a grape across the room only to watch as it nestles fruitfully into someone else's mouth? During quarantine, absolutely not. Please note, this game requires a quarantine partner so if you’re quarantining alone, make sure you ask strangers’ permission before you start discharging grapes like a broken gumball machine.
Raindrop racing
Take it from me, there’s no better way to spend another dreary day locked inside a shrinking apartment than racing raindrops as they fall down soggy windows. Choose your drops—it’s best if it’s a head-to-head race but you can choose as many drops as you like—blow the whistle, and see which droplet reaches the bottom of the window first. This is not weird.
Watermelon crushing
Did you know you can make a watermelon explode by wrapping rubber bands around its midpoint? Look it up. How many rubber bands you need depends on the structural integrity of the watermelon and the strength of the bands. For good measure, buy up to 2000-3000 rubber bands and see how you go. The delightful thing about this game is you can kill even more time cleaning up the juice and debris after it’s exploded. Hours of fun.
The blame game
One for the couples and housemates. Try blaming your teammates for something new every day (advanced athletes can try every hour). This is a game that requires nuance, strategy, and a healthy dose of I-don’t-give-a-shit-anymore. Some people like to be gentle in their criticism, others prefer to flip the table and scream to the heavens in frustration. The approach you take is entirely up to you, and whether you still want to be friends or lovers with the people you’re blaming. The fun wears off relatively quickly if you’re a normal person, but if you’re a sociopath the joy is eternal.
The how-many-loaves-of-sour-dough-is-too-many game
Store-bought, expertly baked bread is the first thing that people turn their backs on during a pandemic. Why buy it when you can bake it? Goes the saying that no-one ever says. Turn your self loaving into a competitive outlet by seeing just how many loaves you can bake. Fill the kitchen with sourdough starter kits, line the window sill with cups of fermenting dough, fire up the oven, and get baking. This is a great game to pair with the blame game because the loaves you bake can be used as projectiles should you reach your breaking point.
Social media trolling
Many of us are pros at this one already but if you haven’t yet indulged in an unhealthy Twitter debate, or left an ill-advised comment on your right-leaning uncle’s Facebook post then you don’t know what you’re missing. The key to being a good troll is to always assume you’re right, act like the other person has the intelligence of a doorknob, and never, EVER consider anyone else’s opinion, perspective, or worldview. The pandemic is the perfect time to test your skills at this game because even if you don’t make the world a better place—in fact, you make it a whole lot worse—you’ll walk away with the gratified feeling of being right, while everyone else is wrong. That’s what matters.
If you enjoyed this thought dumpling and found it tasty, please share it with a friend. If you didn’t, share it with an enemy.
Until next time,
*chef’s kiss*
Allan